I've remembered... Am I dying?
WorriedI don't know whats going on with me. I'm eating healthier now, trying. Going to bed at semi decent hours, yet still my health continues to plummet farther and farther down. How much longer will I last?
Mom has a bunch of illnesses that can KILL people over time. Excluding the eye bleeding. Her bad health is being exerted upon me through obvious reasons such as genes and blood. Naturally my health will fall as her is. Not only that, but I worry about my mother very much... These are very bad things she has. She has no immune system due to stress, and, well, I'm getting very stressed as she had been. Maybe that is why I'm so sick? If so, maybe I really may only last another few years like her. Maybe my constant wishing to die is beginning to come true... I'm beginning to have seconds thoughts, however...
There's someone very special to me I want to see in Florida. The one thing I want to do before I die, is see her.
With all the stress going on, my immune system may be dropping like my mom's. If so, illnesses that are small, may become deadly to me. When my mom gets sick, she gets pneumonia and winds up in the hospital. Will that be me too in a few years?
More and more things stress me out each day. Such as a guy talking to my dear little sister, that I had hoped had fucked off, but did not. So there's a good fucking 90% RIGHT THERE. I want her to block him, delete him, but I don't know if she's listening to me. So I'm left to sit here and worry more and more about her each day... She's that one person I can never stop thinking and worrying about. Almost always, if not always, she's on my mind.
Another stressful thing is mom might be having a few surgeries soon for her health... I'm... left to worry and stress a lot. I've been having a lot of really severe panic attacks lately, and my hearts been flipping out. I'm getting weaker, dizzier, fainter and more frail. The Panic Attacks are battering at my health as well as my lowering immune system. When a panic attack hits, I cannot stop it. I breath fast, curl into myself, and am permanently paralyzed until it ceases. I sometimes blackout and continue to have a panic attack, or I stop breathing altogether. I cannot respond when it strikes, I cannot do anything but panic in my mind and hypervenalate. Its come to weaken my lungs and stress out my heart. Usually an ambulance has to come with an oxygen tank to get me to stop even slightly. And even that takes awhile.
These Panic Attacks always strike, almost always when I'm crying... So me crying, does not usually end well. It happens then due to an emotional overload that causes me to panic and start breathing fast. Its very frightening, because most of the time, I'm in a black room after having a long enough panic attack.
I'm always home alone... What if a panic attack strikes while nobody is home? Can you imagine what that would be like? What would happen to me if nobody was home and I had a panic attack? Would something happen to me? What if I stopped breathing like I do sometimes? Its a scary thought indeed...
I've been having nightmares lately. Its odd, because nightmares are a very rare thing for me. Very very rare... I also might be Over dosing (ODing) on my anti-depresents. I know I can do that with my sleeping pills, because its happened before. I have difficulties breathing and I can't walk or do much. Those things are wicked... Yet, I need them.
Sorry about all this, guys. Its just, I need to get this all off my chest... Its really beginning to scare me. I feel as though, every day, something may happen to me. I'm never safe, not even from myself. At any moment, I could just vanish, and nobody would be there to help me if I were to slowly begin dissapearing. I'm really scared, I'll admit.
...But...I have to be strong... If not for myself, then for my little sister at the very least...
Tired
Jolly
Guilty
Mad
